Short Story: "The Invasion That Never Was"
The Visitors Are Our Lolcows
I started writing stories before the age of 10. My inspiration came from the short fiction of Roald Dahl, Fredric Brown, Robert Sheckley … and other anthologized writers (in books such as “Alfred Hitchcock Presents”).
My short fiction collections are available on Amazon. Here is one complete story, for your amusement…
THE INVASION THAT NEVER WAS
by A. R. Yngve
The Onfoloid civilization conquered other worlds for glory rather than profit. They lived by strict customs—and lived strictly for war. Their armies and fleets had roamed the galaxy for thousands of years, taking control of many star systems. Dozens of alien peoples lived under their strict rule.
Finally came the Solar System’s turn.
The Onfoloids believed in the importance of careful planning, and had been studying the Earthlings for a long time. Spy satellites and probes mapped all of Earth’s armies, missile bases, communication networks and power plants.
The information was analyzed, and the Onfoloid leaders – whom we can call a “committee” of eleven “generals” for the sake of simplicity – gathered to interpret the results.
“For almost eighty of their years, we have watched over them.” That time was not very long for an Onfoloid, who with the right treatments could live for at least three hundred years—and could also hibernate during long space voyages.
“Have they noticed us yet?”
“We have several spies on Earth right now. Their reports can be interpreted as the Earthlings not having agreed on whether or not our presence in their system is real. Many of them seem to believe that our spy investigations are just imagination, or a hoax.”
“Their confusion serves us, but we cannot be sure how long it will last. Let us attack now!”
The eleventh and youngest of the generals—only seventy-two years old—hesitated. “Is there really any honor in waging war against Earthlings in the ordinary way? Their weapons are so ridiculously primitive. Wouldn’t it be more honorable to decide the battle with a battle between our best warriors—as our ancestors did?”
The other ten generals laughed, in the manner of Onfoloids. It sounded like a room full of snakes playing with their tongues.
“The young general knows our traditions, and that is honorable,” said the eldest of them. “We have studied the history of the Earthlings, and their honor must be respected—by giving them the chance to gather an army.”
Another general, however, was concerned. “Everything seems perfect, the Earthlings suspect nothing… and yet there’s something that makes me wonder if we’ve really understood them. They seem… eccentric.»
The elder general laughed. “We already knew that. And how would that make victory any less certain? Let us vote.”
With only two votes against, the committee decided to immediately launch the attack on Earth.
***
The campaign began with an official ultimatum broadcast by Onfoloid satellites to all receivers on planet Earth.
For the first time, humans got to see one of them. The oldest general known as Otspt was the spokesman for the Onfoloids – a reptile with dark green scaly skin, four arms on a muscular torso, wearing a scarlet uniform.
The voice was translated into synthetic English: «People of the Earth! I speak for my people, Onfol. Our spaceships are now near your planet. We come as conquerors. Our weapons are superior in every way. You must submit to the power of Onfol and lay down all weapons, or fight to lose with honor. We will prevail either way. The choice is yours. Your leaders can give us their answer within seven Earth days.”
After a couple of days, the spies’ reports reached the space fleet. The generals saw them and were surprised. “Can this be true? Are the Earthlings trying to bluff us?”
The spies swore they were telling the truth: The Earthlings refused to believe that the Onfoloid ultimatum was real. They even joked about it. Otspt’s red uniform in particular set the Earthlings off, calling it an obvious joke taken from one of Earth’s own tales of scaly green aliens. Others seemed to almost ignore the broadcast.
“I don’t understand,” Otspt complained. “Our studies show that Earthlings associate precisely the color red with blood. They should react to that as a clear threat of bloodshed. What else do they say about me?”
The spy became nervous. “That you—I apologize for being forced to say this—are actually a human dressed up as Onfol.”
Otspt and the other generals hissed loudly in anger. This was an insult. The committee issued another ultimatum, this time with all members present.
The broadcast showed the Onfoloid forces, as well as footage from their previous campaigns on other worlds. Crops were burned, alien armies were wiped out with death rays, fleets were sunk, and cities were pulverized.
Otspt sharpened the tone of his second ultimatum: “This is our very last warning. Respond now, or prepare for a full-scale attack. And then there will be blood! Great quantities of blood! From the veins of millions of dead Earthlings!”
The general and the entire committee concluded with a simultaneous ritual gesture that among the Onfoloids carried an extremely serious death threat. A clawed hand clenched into a fist and tapped five times on the temple, while the tongue extended to its full length.
The spies on Earth reported again, and their furious reports were confirmed by Earth’s television broadcasts: Earthlings laughed at Otspt’s second appearance, finding the “appearance” only more entertaining.
They even made lizard masks that resembled Otspt’s face, and imitated his threatening gesture – they pounded on their temples with a clenched fist and stuck out their tongues – and then they laughed out loud.
Now the generals were furious. They ordered a show of force and sent down missiles to destroy all important landmarks.
The missiles could not be stopped and were completely invisible to Earth’s radar systems. In one day, the Earth’s tallest skyscrapers, towers, pyramids, monuments and statues were blown to rubble.
Otspt grinned. “Now we just have to wait to see them come and beg for mercy. Like so many other rebellious peoples have done. Onfol over everyone, everywhere!»
The committee and the space soldiers present raised their arms and broke into the ancient battle cry: “Onfol over everyone, everywhere!»
The committee did not have to wait for the spies’ next report, for it could observe the course of events directly on the Earthlings’ news broadcasts. Confusion reigned among Earth’s leaders, but they immediately began blaming each other for the explosions. A superpower threatened to bomb a large desert area called “Afghanistan” which was accused of blowing up a monument of large stone heads called “Mount Rushmore”.
But no Earth leader said that the Onfoloids were actually behind it, and no official appeals were sent to them. There were indeed some vague attempts at appeals from Earth, but the Onfoloids understood that they came from unimportant Earthlings who had no real power.
The generals waited a couple of days for a possible capitulation – but once again they were met with silence from Earth’s leaders. For the Onfoloids, there was no other option left but to land. To call off the attack now would have been a disgrace to their people. They began a blitzkrieg attack on Earth’s missile bases. Tens of thousands of neutronium missiles easily penetrated all obstacles. They drilled into every warhead and bomb, contaminating them with lead so that no nuclear explosions could take place.
To an Onfol, an atomic bomb was a child’s toy. They could have wiped out millions of people in several different ways. But there was no honor in killing without a chance for the enemy to offer at least token resistance – so they chose to land with soldiers.
Two landing ships with four hundred soldiers each touched down in the middle of the city called “Washington” on the continent called “North America.”
Eight hundred Onfoloids marched out onto the paved, straight streets, ready to shoot down any resistance… but nothing happened. Several primitive aircraft passed by, some of them circling the area where the soldiers were marching.
They knew the Earthlings had plenty of small arms and had seen them shoot at each other often – so why didn’t anyone try to do it now?
The soldiers began to hesitate. Was it an ambush? They scanned their surroundings and began to notice that the Earthlings must have seen them coming. Thousands of Earthlings were aiming at them from various ledges, windows, and hiding places—with small communication plates with camera lenses.
The commander of the landing force shouted to the generals in orbit: “We are surrounded by unarmed Earthlings. They are not trying to make contact, but are taking pictures of us. What are we going to do? Don’t they understand that they must... act? We need more information.”
The generals called their spies and demanded an immediate explanation. An Onfoloid spy happened to be in the same city, at the white building unimaginatively called “The White House.” Earthlings passed the spy by without even noticing, because all spies hid under a perfect camouflage.
“I have infiltrated the house of their supreme leader,” the spy reported directly to the committee. “The leader and his advisors are talking about our landing, and equally about a powerful figure named... Twitter?”
The generals looked at each other in surprise – and then the youngest general lit up.
«Twitter! I’ve heard of that. It’s not a person, but a primitive communications channel that Earthlings use to —” The general hesitated. “Our spies have been monitoring Twitter for some time, but can’t decipher its true purpose. It’s meaningless, incoherent and trivial, and yet it seems to have an enormous influence on Earthlings.”
“Connect us to this ‘Twitter,’” Otspt commanded. “Let’s see what the Earthlings are communicating right now, and gauge how they have reacted to our conquest.”
The Onfoloids’ computers were different from Earth’s technology, but could easily simulate Earth’s special user interface. The generals “saw” Twitter feeds with their eyes, and the computers translated the impressions. They soon realized that much of the Earthlings’ ongoing communication over Twitter was about the Onfoloid landing... just not in the way the generals had expected.
Earthlings on the ground in Washington took photos and videos of the landing, which they shared on Twitter. The generals could see the ongoing reactions and conversations in the form of text and images. Many Earthlings on Twitter insisted that the landing was not real, claiming that it was all a motion picture shoot or a hoax staged by political enemies. They seemed to have many with them.
A large number of comments on Twitter suggested that the Onfoloid soldiers were part of some shady Earth conspiracy – “QAnon,” “5G towers,” “fake news,” and other nonsense that the Onfoloid leaders did not understand. Many Earthlings believed the videos were fake and thought they could prove it. One comment:
Watch their ridiculous march in perfect rhythm.
The world’s worst CGI.
LMAO :-P
Why, the generals wondered, were the Earthlings amused by the fact that an army could march in perfect rhythm? The Onfoloids had practiced it for generations.
At least some Earthlings seemed to understand that the hundreds of green, four-armed reptilian soldiers were actually an alien invasion force – but they argued among themselves about which Earth government already knew about the invasion, or was secretly controlling it.
“Fools!” exclaimed Otspt. “Don’t they understand that it is we who are conquering their planet – not them!
“The initial show of force wasn’t enough,” another general said grimly. “We must escalate. Even if we risk a minor embarrassment. Let the soldiers shoot at some armed Earthlings unprovoked.”
“What are you saying?” a colleague replied. “Our soldiers would never voluntarily stoop to such behavior. We are civilized!”
“Wait,” the youngest general said quickly. “We haven’t tried duels. Challenge one of them – not to decide the invasion, but to start the fighting in an honorable manner! As the custom dictates.”
The reptiles in the command center tensed silently. They felt the unspoken power of tradition. A battle could not begin until both sides acknowledged that they were at war. Thus it had always been.
“Well,” said Otspt. “I think we agree.” The general summoned the invasion commander who was among the soldiers on the ground. “Find an armed Earthling, one who looks like a warrior, and challenge him to a ritual duel. Right away!”
Tall and with both extensive combat experience and the scars of other conquests, Commander Ptoss walked resolutely to a sidewalk and fixed his gaze on a uniformed Earthling standing by a vehicle marked “POLICE.”
Ptoss connected to his voice simulator to address Earthlings directly with the traditional challenge. It was difficult to translate into English, but the simulator made a good attempt: “You! Earthling! Your mother had small milk sacs… and your fathers had tiny feet.”
The Earthling stared in confusion at the reptilian creature standing ten meters away from him. He gaped and stammered, “What the hell...?”
Ptoss raised an arm in the traditional threatening gesture. When the generals saw the arm raised, they gasped, realizing their commander’s mistake — but too late to stop him.
The four-armed reptile stuck out its tongue and pounded its clenched fist against its temple five times. The Earthman saw it clearly. He should have grabbed his handgun and started the duel. But instead he began to smile… and laugh. Soon other Earthmen began to laugh — many of them. Ptoss turned around and saw that the soldiers were also looking around, and listening. They had been trained in Earth culture and knew well what the outbursts of laughter meant.
Ptoss gave the order to retreat. Hundreds of heavily armed reptilians stormed back to their landing craft with great efficiency, and took off from Earth.
The committee was speechless for a moment. They tried desperately to figure out what to do. “I’ve never wanted to wipe out a planet as much as this damned Earth,” Otspt hissed. “But that would only make the disgrace worse. How are we going to save face? How? Does anyone here have another brilliant suggestion?”
Otspt’s angry gaze fell on the youngest general, who realized that the committee had found someone to blame for the fiasco. Now, saving face was crucial.
“We could declare that the Earthlings’ apparent... madness... means they are unworthy... opponents. No honor in challenging someone too crazy to understand what’s going on.” The young general giggled nervously.
“True, but... what will other races in the galaxy say after this?” replied an outraged elderly general. “We know that the earthlings are crazy. But the rumor, siblings, the rumor may still spread… that we fled from a battle. If the subjugated planets hear that Earth made fun of Onfol…”
All the reptiles present paled. The moment felt fateful. The youngest general looked out a window, into space. It was possible to glimpse other planets in the solar system. Especially the red planet…
Then this reptile had a truly brilliant idea. It wasn’t the way out they had wanted, but it might be the best way out they could get. “Tell me... do the subjugated worlds know which of the planets in this system are populated?”
***
The people of Earth might never learn what had saved them from being wiped out by the Onfoloids. But they understood that something was wrong with humanity’s space probes and telescopes. All space probes that attempted to get beyond the orbit of the Moon disappeared without a trace. Contact with all probes and robots beyond the orbit of the Moon was lost. And a mysterious force seemed to be sabotaging all attempts to send radio signals into space outside the Solar System.
Some eccentric scientists claimed that this confirmed the “zoo hypothesis,” and that Earth had been placed in a cosmic quarantine by benevolent, superior space intelligences.
They were only partially right. The Onfoloids had made sure that no other race in the galaxy would hear from Earthlings for a very, very long time. They had constructed fake ruins and mass graves on Mars, with fake signs in Earth language—even fake dead plants and animals—to show the subjugated planets in their domain, with the warning: Look what happened to the foolish Earthlings who thought they could defeat Onfol. A dead world.
Meanwhile, the people of Earth continued to discuss what was really behind the strange events, the acts of terrorism, and the actors pretending to be four-armed green lizards.
Was it a publicity stunt gone wrong? What extremists could have carried out such a large-scale event? Russia accused the United States, which accused China, which accused the rest of the world.
But no one officially said that Earth had been invaded from space – because no reasonable person could believe that such a ridiculous act could be mistaken for a visit from an advanced civilization.
”The Invasion That Never Was” © A. R. Yngve. All rights reserved.